ONE LAST CHANCE

I was done.

I was finally done with all his lies.

With all the pain and torture, he had put me through just because I loved him. I wanted out. I wanted nothing to do with him again.

            I stood in front of him, my blood raging to the heavens. He was waiting for me to speak. He had finished apologizing and explaining himself again. As usual. He did that every time he messed up, cheated or went berserk. It was a circle. A rough and hopeless circle. He would mess up, I would get mad and threaten to leave and then he would apologize and beg me to stay. Then I forgive him and then he goes back to do it all over again. It was exhausting! This was constant. He did this every time. There was endless disagreement between the two of us. More than it should be. This relationship was taking all of my energy. I couldn’t remember the last time we went on a date without any interruption or when we had a straight conversation. That was only three years ago. A few months after we began dating.

            Whenever he pissed me off, I was always ready to leave. But I never understood what always held me back. What made me stay. I knew I didn’t deserve this. I deserved more. I knew that the wise thing to do was to leave, move on and start all over. But I stayed. I always stayed. Maybe it was hope. Hope that this time he would change. That that was his last time, that he was a changed man now. That he had seen the errors of his ways. That I could change him. Maybe it was because I thought there was hope for him. I couldn’t tell. But for some reasons, he just had a way of making me stay and then when I do, I say to myself that that was the last time. It was the last time and I wasn’t going to forgive him if he messed up again. I would save myself the stress and walk out.

I soon found out that I said that a lot. ‘last time.’ And he was taking it for granted. But this time, this was it. There was no hope for him again. I was done trying to change him. To see him change. He wasn’t getting away with it this time. He cheated again and this was unforgivable. This time I was finally done. I wanted out. This was actually the last time and I was going to let him know.

            I looked him in the eyes and frowned. All the anger and betrayal that I felt towards him coated my eyes. I knew he could see it. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it in the way he tried to prevent my gaze. He looked like a sad child, begging to be accepted again. But my answer was still no. It would always be no! I was going to reject him because all his act was only a show. It wasn’t real to me anymore. I had seen it a lot and it had gotten old.

            I clenched my fist and shouted the words in my head. I wanted to shout it out instead of in my head, but I got stuck for a moment. My throat closed up. I thought I felt tears tightening up my throat. Then a cluster of tears gathered beneath my eyes. I realized then that this time, it was real. Once I spit out these words and walk out of the door, there was no going back. It was actually going to be over and then I would miss him. Because even when he messed up, I knew we were real and I knew he was fun, loving and kind and now, when I walk out, I was going to have to leave all that behind too. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that. I didn’t know if I was ready. I didn’t know what was out there for me after him or without him. He was my first boyfriend and the only one I have ever known and loved. He was also my rock and shield against this world and I was scared to be alone again.

            I summoned up the courage again.

I knew that it just had to be done. I needed to think about me. I deserved better. At least that was what everyone else told me. So maybe they were right. Maybe I really did deserve better. So even if I couldn’t do it for me, I should do it for them. So, I quickly pushed away the thought of him and focused on me and on the break up speech I had practiced. I blinked at him angrily again and opened my mouth to speak.

“It’s over, Jack.”

It wasn’t a shout. It wasn’t as loud as the voice in my head. This one was low, cold and lethal. I knew it. I felt it. I had never sounded like that before in my life. Even I was scared and surprised at myself. And as I was, I knew he was too. I saw it in his face. He was shocked and surprised. He obviously wasn’t expecting it. I saw the shock in his face. I saw him freeze on the spot. He wasn’t moving before but now he was so…still.

He was trying to process my words. I guess he finally realized that he could actually lose me. To be honest, the hopeless expression in his eyes made me happy. Or was it the control I was feeling? My lips tilted up into a little smile but it quickly died down again when I saw his mouth open. No. I knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to beg again and I wasn’t sure if I had the strength for that. I quickly turned and began to head for the door but as I turned, I felt his warm hand on my wrist. The familiar tingle I always felt when he touched me immediately travelled down my spine. My heart began to beat fast again.

I didn’t want to feel that way.

He was gaining his control back on me and I wanted to keep the control I felt I had. I had to do the quickest thing that came to my mind. I flung my hand away from him and turned back at him with all the rage in me. “Don’t touch me! I said it’s over!” I screamed. Another surprise for the both of us. I didn’t realize that I was that angry. “Don’t you understand what that means? It means we are done. You and I. It doesn’t exist anymore.” I was irritated and disgusted by him. He cheated. Again. After everything. Was I not enough? I guess I was not. It took three years for me to realize that it was a dead end with him and now I saw it. I felt tears roll down my cheek. I didn’t mean for the tears to fall. I wanted the tears to stay back but he had really hurt me. He had been hurting me for a long time and the rush of memory and realization made my head ache and my heart heavy. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I wasn’t strong enough.

            I quickly wiped the tears off my face and began to walk back to the door. “Wait! Wait. Please, wait.” I heard his voice and froze for a second but only for a second. His voice was hinted with worry and fear. I could feel the remorse in his voice. But not this time. I meant it. I wasn’t going to fall for that again. I continued to walk towards the door but faster this time because I wasn’t sure if I was going to break. I could lose it if he begged again. “Just please wait. Let’s talk about this. Riley. Please don’t go.” I heard him beg from behind. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t even want to look back at him. I just wanted to run out as fast as I could before it was too late. “Riley.” He called again and I quickly muted him. I knew he was following me but I focused on the door. I was getting closer. Closer to freedom. I stretched my hand forward and pressed down on the door knob and quickly flung the door open. Immediately I did that, I felt tiny droplets of water sprinkle on my face and a cold gush of wind rushed over me, pushing my hair back and making me stagger back. I quickly stepped back to look up at what it was. My eyes widened at the sight in front of me What? No! This wasn’t happening now. No, no, no. I began to panic. Not now! Please not now. Was this rain! When did it start to rain? I didn’t hear the clouds – the thunder clap or feel anything. Urgh! It must have been because of the yelling and screaming that I didn’t even feel it.

            The rain was heavy.

The clouds in the sky were dark and thick and it didn’t look like it was going to stop any time soon. I was stuck here!

Or was I?

I could make a choice. Could I really just go in the rain?

I could choose to stay back with Jack and explain my decision or just walk into the rain and run home and be probably affected by the cold…

I didn’t look back. I did not want to see his face. I wanted to make my decision myself. I was scared he would try to change my mind.

So, rain it was.

Whatever sickness I get after that was better than another moment with him. I guess pneumonia wasn’t that bad after all.

            I began to step out of the house and into the rain when he pulled me back into the house and to the wall. My back hit the wall and I stared at him with shock. I was breathing heavily now. Before I could react and accuse him or yell, he quickly leaned towards me and kissed me. A long suffocating kiss, like his life depended on it. Like he needed me. Then he slowly and reluctantly pulled away and looked into my eyes. His gaze was meek and full of total surrender. My breath hitched. I felt my knees weakening and I thought I was going to fall but I realized that I was still in his arms. How beautiful it was. How beautiful this moment felt. I could have asked for a thousand more kisses if I wanted. I knew he wouldn’t hesitate. I gazed back into his eyes. I felt lost them. I was stuck in that blissful moment. I wanted it to last longer. I had almost forgotten why I wanted to leave. I had forgotten all what he did but the question of how we got here in the first place got me wondering. I immediately snapped back to reality and remembered why I wanted to leave in the first place. So sad. I wanted to stay this way forever but I needed to wake up from my make-believe dreams and prove my point.

            I struggled to set free from him. I started to protest when his voice stopped me. His calm gentle voice crawled through my skin. It hunted my mind and made my heart pound. “You are crazy if you think I would let you go in that rain.” He said softly. His eyes never leaving mine for a second. He looked at me with intent. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world again. The only one for him and for a moment, I believed it. I was melting in his gaze and my heart pounded loud and fast. I felt all the dead butterflies begin to come back to life. They fluttered around me and made me nervous. As I looked into his eyes, I saw him move his lips into a smirk and my heart began to pound again. This time, it wasn’t butterflies. It was fear. He was doing it again. I knew he was trying to persuade me. He knew me too well. In and out. He knew I was falling for his old tricks again. As usual. But this time, I was about to prove him wrong.

            I snapped out of my mirage and began to struggle out of his embrace again. “Okay. Okay. Jeez… Fine. Fine. I’m sorry.” He said struggling to keep me in place. “J-just calm down and listen to what I have to say.” He tried to reason with me but I paid no attention to him and continued to struggle.

“Please Riley…”

“No! I need to leave.”

“But it’s raining.”

“I don’t care! I’ll go in the rain.”

“Okay. Why don’t you just wait till the rain stop-.” He tried to negotiate but I quickly cut him off. “No. I’m leaving right now! Get away from me!” I yelled back at him. I could see the frustration growing on his face now. He couldn’t understand why I was acting like this but he continued to hold me in place. “You want to leave that bad?” He began to raise his voice letting me see how unreasonable I sounded. “Yes! Anywhere is better than another miserably minute or even a second, with you.” I had fury in my eyes as I glared at him. I wasn’t going to let him convince me to stay. I didn’t care how unreasonable my decision was. I was leaving. “But Riley… You know you’ll catch a cold. You’d, you’d get sick! Just wait till the rain stops.’’ He argued.

“Let me go!”

He stared at me for a moment, dumbfounded. Then he sighed in surrender. His growing anger depleting. “Riley…” Was all he calmly said as he looked at me. A plea in his eyes. Oh God! He needed to stop doing that. He needed to stop saying my name. It made me weak. I looked down but I could still feel his eyes set on me. I could also feel the cunny smile he had on his face. He loved to smile like that when he knew he was winning or was right. I hated that stupid smile. I hated it so much but then, I loved to see him in them.

            The cold breeze blew from outside into the house. It sent its cold chills on me and I immediately remembered that the door was still opened. I tried to hide myself from the cold so I slowly hid inside Jack’s arms as he engulfed me. They were and warm and exactly what I needed right now. I hated that I needed it now though. I just hoped he didn’t notice. Jack placed his palm under my chin and raised my head up slowly until I was looking at him. “I know you are fragile.” He continued trying to convince me to stay. I searched desperately into his eyes with sadness as my heart sank. So, he knew… “So why do you keep breaking me, Jack?” I managed to say over the tears that were freely beginning to roll down my eyes. I didn’t even try to stop them this time. I kept my eyes on him. I didn’t even want to blink. I wanted to get every expression out of his face. I needed to see the truth in his eyes. If there was any.

            When I whispered those broken words, I saw him lose his smile. It was replaced with regret. I could see the sorry in his eyes. I hated that they were genuine. If he really was sorry then why did he keep doing this? Why did he keep going back to do the same things that he knew would hurt me? Why did he keep making the same mistakes? He was so complicated. I didn’t always understand what he was feeling or doing or why he did the things that he did to me if he claimed that he loved me.

            He ran his hands up and down my arm and squeezed them gently. He opened his mouth to speak but the words felt a little heavier for him to say, so he shut his mouth again. He looked down, a puzzle-like expression on his face. As if he didn’t know how to start and was trying to figure it out. “Riley I…” He started to explain again but cut himself off when he realized he had nothing to say. He then shook his head and bit his lips. He opened his mouth to speak and this time the words came out. “I’m sorry, Riley.”

I have waited for him to say those words for a long time now but this wasn’t it. This wasn’t how I wanted it. He had taken his eyes away from me and had stammered out the words as if it was a burden that he was forced to lift for my sake. It didn’t feel sincere. I wasn’t going to take half an apology. I frowned at him and tried to pull away from him. “It’s going to take more than just an apology to make me stay this time, Jack.” I said vividly, looking boldly into his eyes so that he could know that I meant it. I looked away and began to pull him away from me, trying to head towards the door. But Jack was the stubborn type. He pulled me back away from the rain and back to the wall. He held my hands up over my head and pinned it to the wall with his. My eyes widened in shock at his action and I tried to set myself free. But I was stuck. “Let me go Jack! Let me go!” I demanded with all seriousness as I struggled to break free. But he didn’t listen. And instead of pulling away, he leaned down to me and held me even tighter. “Listen to what – listen to what I have to say. Please.” He said over me, struggling. I really didn’t want to. He owed me no explanation. I was right and he was wrong. There was nothing else to say. But did I really have a choice? I didn’t think I did. I was just going to have to listen. But whatever he had to say wasn’t going to change my mind. I was sure of that. So, I waited. I waited for him to say whatever he had to say. I looked at him with a frown, letting him know that I had made my decision. He swallowed and looked at me timidly. He wasn’t satisfied with the look on my face but he went on anyway. “Riley…I know I was wrong. And I have no excuse for the awful things that I did. That I did to you. But I promise, it was all a mistake and she meant nothing. She meant nothing to me. I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m far from it and I know you know that too. You knew that when you met me…but you have to admit it. I’m changing…I am not the same as before…every day I keep trying…it’s a slow process but at least, that is something right?” He looked into my eyes and waited for a reply. Like a conviction to let him know that I was considering him. But I wasn’t. My face was still stiff as ever and filled with fury. I wasn’t going to cave.

He was losing hope already of holding on to my attention. He knew that. I saw the way he felt hopeless and terrified this time, like it was real. He was getting troubled and a little frustrated. Not at me of course, but at himself. “Are you done? ’Cos I’ll like to go now.” I said plainly, void of emotions. He cursed underneath his breath and looked down. He shook his head and bit his lips. He tightened his fist and looked at me. “Riley…No one else can handle me the way you do. You know it. You know you are the one for me. I would be lost without you. I wouldn’t get better. I would get worse without you. Please see that I don’t mean what I do. I wasn’t thinking when I did it. I was drunk out of depression when that happened and she was just…there. I didn’t even want her to be there and wasn’t thinking straight until the morning when I woke up. That girl meant nothing to me at all. She was just…a no body.” He said roughly out of frustration. His expression mixed with apology and frustration. He then sighed and took a deep breath then gently let go of my hand. He looked like a broken man. I slowly brought my hands down and kept my eyes on him and his were on mine. I was supposed to go. I was supposed to frown and look away and tell him I still hated him and shout some swear words before storming away but instead I waited. I waited, hopelessly lost in his words. They got to me. But I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to hear him say one more thing. Just one thing that would assure me again that it wasn’t a lie. That it was worth fighting for. That there was hope.

            He slowly brought his hands up and cupped my cheeks in them. He then leaned his head to mine until our foreheads were touching. He was so close. So close, I could taste his lips from where I stood. He ran a hand through my hair and left the other on my cheek. He closed his eyes and took in my scent. He exhaled gently. He looked at peace in that moment. Like he wanted to hold on to this perfect moment…like he knew it was his last. He opened his eyes and his eyes found its way to my lips. He stared at them for a moment and then looked back up to my eyes. “It’s you Riley. It has always been you and it will always be you. You see me, Riley. You see the real me. I don’t see me the way you do. No one loves me the way you do. You are my reason for still holding on to sanity. You push me to be better. Please don’t leave now. Stay with me a little longer. I need you in my life. I’m sorry for the pain I have cost you. For every time I put a tear on your face, for every time I made you doubt me, us. For every time I broke your fragile little heart, for every time I made you feel insulted and for every time people laughed at you because you were with me.” His eyes were locked on mine, searching them desperately to see if he still had a chance with me. In those eyes, I saw him beg, I saw him promising to be different and I just wanted to believe it so badly. I really wanted to. But how was I going to know this wasn’t just another lie? How was I going to know that he wasn’t going to mess up again? I just needed him to assure me. “I’m sorry okay. I’ve been a bad person and I’ve hurt you and expected you to stay. And you don’t deserve it. Of everyone I have ever met…you have been the only one who has been kind and patient to me. And somehow, I still find a way to mess that up. I have no excuse but if you give me one more chance, I’d change.” He said. “I promise to change, baby. I promise to be better. I’d treat you better this time. For you, I will. I’d take you to all the places you want to go. Just…just don’t go. Just give me another chance…” He paused. He wasn’t done. He had something else to say but he wanted to take his time. I leaned forward and deeper into his eyes and waited. My throat was dry and I thirsted for his last words. “…I love you, Riley. I always will…and if you still decide to leave me today, that won’t change the way I feel about you.” He said softly. His words were broken like it hurt him to utter his last words. I knew that because I knew him and even though his face was tired and weary, those words managed to put a smile on his face. He didn’t regret saying those words.

            My mouth fell open but nothing came out. That was it. Those words I love you Riley… was what I wanted to…need to hear. That was my assurance and when he said it, I didn’t regret it. It was just perfect the way I wanted him to say it. I tried to stammer out some words but there were too many words I wanted to say at once. My mouth was getting dry so I licked my lips and I looked down at his lips. My blood was hot and my heart was melting. I was craving him. I wanted him. All of him. I blinked at him innocently and stood on my toes.  I raised a hand and cupped his cheek and without waiting for another second, I closed the distance between us and kissed him softly. I wanted to enjoy every bit of it and I wanted to kiss away every pain and every broken past, just so we could start all over again. Then I pulled away and looked into his eyes. His clear brown eyes. “You hurt me, Jack.” I whispered. I had forgiven him but I just needed him to know what he did to me. “I know and it’s in the past now Riley. I promise.” He said a little too quickly as new hope tainted his eyes. “Okay? I wouldn’t hurt you ever again.” Jack whispered back to me. I smiled and bit my lips. He smiled slightly at me with assurance. Then he wrapped his hand around my waist and lifted me from the ground and with instinct I wrapped my legs around his torso. Then he looked at me with all the love in his eyes. “…because I love you. You mean a lot to me and you deserve only the best from me.” He closed the door behind us and then kissed me roughly, taking all, he could. Then he began to take me back up the stairs. I wrapped my hand around his neck and buried my nose in his neck. I had a silent smile on my face as he took us back up.

He loved me.

He still did. I felt so happy. It was an overwhelming rush of feeling. I was lost in my happy thought of him and of us when suddenly, my smile died. There it went again. That crippling feeling – that anxiety that snuck up on me anytime this happened. Anytime I gave him another chance when I knew I shouldn’t. And it only got worse every time.

This was it.

This was the reason why I always stayed. He kept apologizing like this and we kept on renewing our love. He kept on getting the best of me. We had been here before. We had been down this road before. Many times. I was weak and he knew it. He used it to his advantage and manipulated me with it. But now I couldn’t go back. I had already fallen. I had fallen for him again. I wanted to give him another chance. But just one chance. This was the last chance. I swore to myself again over the broken promises I had made to myself. That I wasn’t wrong to stay. That I only wanted to try again. But my anxiety knew better. But it didn’t understand. Jack was a changed man. He wouldn’t do it again. He already said he was sorry and that he loved me.

I believe him.

This time felt different between the two of us. This time, it felt genuine. It felt real. He looked really sorry this time. At least I think he was… Right?

But it didn’t matter because this was it. This was in fact, it! This was his last chance. If he messed up again this time, I would leave, this time, for good. I promise. This would be his one last chance.

-THE END –

A/n: So… who’s going to tell her.

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❌No AI was used in the making of this story.